“Call Me Ishmael” by Todd Seavey (after “Call Me Maybe” by Carly Rae Jepsen)

Last night, I (really) saw Zombies and tomorrow night I plan to see the band Jezzy and the Belles (after the SASS talk on “Ancient Badasses” such as Genghis Khan).  Since pop music and a dash of history work well together, maybe the culture would benefit from this – maybe:

“Call Me Ishmael”

By Carl Rae Melville (and Todd Seavey)

I threw a spear at a whale

Heed, I must tell my tale

Of how Captain Ahab left this pale

And I floated for a night and a day

He'd trade his soul for some fish

Pennies and dimes, lots of risk

I wasn't looking for this

Set out from Nantucket Bay

Ocean water was cold an'

That hated whale was showin'

Hole of Moby Dick was blowin'

Ahab said that whale is goin' away

Hey, the Captain's crazy, and we will fail

This story's a bummer, so call me Ishmael

Not that the crew is lazy, or afraid of whales

But this story's a bummer, so call me Ishmael

I guess that thing's a mammal, and he's awful pale

I think our number's up, so call me Ishmael

And all the other boats, are on its trail

But our number's up, so call me Ishmael

Queequeg has a tattooed bod

Coolest guy on the Pequod

But the Captain's obsession is odd, and we're all gonna pay

Glimpse a shape beyond the keel

Have first sight and it's real

Don't quite get the Captain's zeal, but that whale is headed our way

Queequeg got sick 

Likelihood of death was growing

Cold night, wind was blowing

Where you think you're going, buddy?

Hey, the Captain's crazy, wish I could bail

I think our number's up, so call me Ishmael

Queequeg's dead, we were oddly close for males

I think our number's up, so call me Ishmael

Hey, the Captain's crazy, that's a major fail

I'm the sole survivor, so call me Ishmael

Other boats out there if I had to chase whales

But Ahab captained this one, so call me Ishmael

Ahab threw a harpoon and his aim's not so bad

Missed the eyeball but not so bad...missed the blowhole but not so bad

Injured whale's gonna take Ahab's life, but his aim wasn't so bad

And you should know that...his aim wasn't so bad

Hard to look at the damage done by that whale

He smashed up the Pequod, so call me Ishmael

Sinking boat made a whirlpool, like a full-force gale

Sucked the crew to their deaths, so call me Ishmael

Months of bad food and watching whale tail,

Just to get smashed by sealife, now call me Ishmael

And that whale is an innocent mammal, so he isn't so bad

He won't miss Ahab...but the whale isn't really so bad

Before he came into my life he wasn't really so bad

And if I got to know him

I'd call him Moby