Hunter DNA Tests May Reveal Something Stranger Than Expected

•An awkward Friday press event
•A man with a known history of lying, expecting us to trust him this time
•Blurry images of an entity seemingly eager to evade detection
•Hunters calling for DNA tests
•Key figures in the controversy shuttled from the southeast to the West Coast
•A media frenzy

I refer, of course, to today’s scheduled Bigfoot press conference in Palo Alto, at which, as you may have heard, three men, two of them hunters, claim they will unveil a naturally-deceased Bigfoot from the state of Georgia that they’ve been keeping in a freezer, along with DNA samples and videotape they made of three other creatures.

Of course, one of the men has already been exposed on a prior occasion for attempting a Bigfoot hoax, and another seems to have gotten his brother to pose as a scientist, under an alias, to appear in one of the group’s videos as a Bigfoot-corpse examiner. (Also, one of the men is an unemployed cop and another a prison warden, which for an anarchist like me sets off alarm bells right there, but I don’t want to assume lawmen can’t make major zoological finds.)

In any case, if we all wish really, really hard, I’m sure today will see the dawn of a bold new era in primatology (and since I just read that the sixth Harry Potter movie has been delayed until July 2009, we could all use a little magic).

Also, since John Edwards’ mistress Rielle Hunter’s baby has no father listed on the birth certificate, it is possible — I say possible rather than certain — that the deceased Bigfoot is the father, which would help tie up a couple of loose ends in one go. We will not know for sure unless she submits the child to a paternity test, of course.

I’m going to go out on a limb here, though, and be the first to predict it: Bigfoot baby.

My guess is we’ll hear the confession before the Democratic National Convention, to avoid a hubbub during the convention. This might hurt Obama with some social conservatives, but it could help with both the gun enthusiast and environmental crowds.

This much is certain: In election 2008, the Bigfoot baby’s the wild card [UPDATE 8/16/08: The men wouldn't let people touch the "Bigfoot" yesterday, provided a DNA sample that turned out to be partly human DNA and partly some possum DNA, and gave the lamest excuse for the fake-scientist ruse one could possibly imagine -- and so it goes with all paranormal claims upon closer examination, from psychics to God to ghosts to UFOs; in fact, the current issue of Skeptical Inquirer has a great piece culled from a NASA scientist's futile attempts to explain to online correspondents why we aren't going to be destroyed by the rogue planet Nibiru in the year 2012, if you really want to see an unsettling, almost reverse-Lovecraftian case of gullibility and mounting fear in action].